Hope.

Disclaimer: This post is very honest, raw and real.  However, I choose to share because I know that I'm not the first or last woman who will experience this. I choose to share because maybe it's just a little bit cathartic. I choose to share because not many people do and if I can help just one person feel they are not alone in this..well then that would make me happy.

On Wednesday morning, April 25th I woke up and immediately ripped open a box of Clear Blue Digital pregnancy tests. I did my thing, placed the cap back on the little stick and anxiously waited the three minutes until the results would appear. Those three minutes felt like an eternity. My heart raced as I sat there staring at the little blinking hour glass indicating that the test was thinking. And there it was..in one word..PREGNANT. Happy tears formed instantaneously and I quickly tried to blink them away to ensure it said what I thought it did and that my mind wasn't playing tricks on me. You see.. I have seen my fair share of not pregnants staring right back at me. But it was there..indisputably..it said pregnant. 

A blood test then confirmed that it WAS true. The nurse's voice was so cheery when she delivered the news and I thought to myself how that must be such a wonderful part of her job..delivering such happy news to her patients..especially patients like us who've had to try just a little harder than most. 

I immediately thought of cute ways to tell Jim but since he was in Denver on business instead I just blurted it out over the phone and I'll never forget when he said that he was the happiest guy on earth. I was meeting him in Denver the very next day to attend a wedding and visit friends and family. As I packed for my morning flight I found a little cellophane favor bag lying around the house. I threw the pregnancy test in it and added a little tag and ribbon. I sat and carefully wrote the words..You are going to be a Dad and tucked it into my carry on bag. Although I had already blurted it out to him I wanted to show him that it was real. Finally..it was happening.

And so I dreamed and planned. We told our families and their excitement was beyond words. My adorable sister-in-law Michelle gave me a crash course on what to eat and what not to eat. She dug up her pregnancy books and gave them to me. It was all so surreal.

I drank mocktails at the wedding and danced the night away. I didn't miss the wine..I was high on life.

We returned home to Phoenix and I went in for a routine follow up blood draw to ensure that my HCG levels were increasing appropriately. I wore my favorite maxi skirt with it's soft and stretchy cotton and I remember thinking that I could continue to wear it as my belly grew and that made me happy. I arrived at the Doctor's office and happily threw out my arm to the kind nurse and she stuck me with a needle..not my favorite thing but I was happy to do it because it was for my growing baby. The nurse asked if my fingers were crossed and I quickly reminded her that I already knew that I was pregnant and this was just a follow-up. She then said that the second blood test was sometimes just as important as the first. I remember that made me uneasy but I trust in God and I thought that surely because of all we've had to do to simply get to this point that we'd be fine. I was certain of it.

Later that day I got the call. I had told the office to leave me a message as I'd be at work and most likely unable to answer my phone.  I checked my phone later in the day and it was the Doctor's voice on the message and I immediately knew something was wrong. No...no...no. He explained that my HCG levels had not increased appropriately and that this was not a viable pregnancy. I couldn't even listen to the entire message. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I couldn't breathe. It felt a little like being five years old again and being told that I was going to Disneyland. And so you dream and plan. Pull out your favorite Mickey Mouse shirt, dream about spinning on the teacups and then when you arrive at that magnificent place it is dark and desolate. All of the rides sit motionless. The disappointment is immense. 

The following two days are a blur. I was in a complete fog as I robotically tried to run errands and clean my house. Jim was so amazing. Although I know he was sad he was the strong one through it all. He said all of the things I needed to hear and I don't even think he realized how much those words got me through. I hung on every word he said. He told me that this will only make us stronger and more appreciative of life's blessings in the end. He told me that God has a plan for us and that we will look back on this later in life and understand why this is happening. He brought me pink roses and my favorite soup. He held me as I cried in his arms and he proceeded to crack jokes to make me laugh. I remember that he said that things could be so much worse. Oh so true. I also remember when he said that I should be grateful that I don't live by myself with a bunch of cats...I cracked a smile and he seemed pretty proud of himself for this achievement.

And then it all became so clear..I have so very much to be thankful for. Much more to be happy about than sad about. I have an amazing husband who is my rock and loves me unconditionally. We have a great life together with wonderful friends and family supporting us. Friends and family who have made it very clear that they are on this journey with us.  Anythings beyond the two of us would simply be a bonus. 

My angel of a friend Drea came over the night after we got the bad news. We sat on the couch and drank some Skinny Girl Cocktails and she cried with me as I filled her in. Then somehow we decided to open up Photo Booth on my ipad and as we clicked on the different effects we watched as our faces were stretched and contorted until we resembled some type of circus freaks. We furiously clicked on every effect...twirl, stretch, squeeze..one was funnier than the next and we were laughing so hard I'm pretty sure we woke up the neighborhood. And yes..we are 31 going on 15. I needed that moment so much. The laughter was invigorating and freeing and as I laughed and pointed at the screen I somehow let it all go. The sadness, frustration and utter disappointment. Slowly it all went away. The very next day I realized that I was actually dancing to Pandora as I got ready in the morning..just a few days prior it felt as though I couldn't breathe.

The sadness that once filled my heart is now filled with hope. So much hope. I am so amazed by our bodies and when something isn't right..well it does it's job to fix it.  Truly..so amazing! I have given my worries to God. I know that he does have a plan for us...and it's grand baby. I know it.

I'm pretty sure that I have listened to Kelly Clarkson's hit "Stronger" more than fifty times over the past few weeks. It was what got me through that car ride home from work right after I was given the news. It has continued to give me strength. And yes..I do know that it's about a girl who's been wronged by her boyfriend but I choose to focus on the chorus.."What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller..What doesn't kill you makes a fighter."  Cheers to that Kelly Clarkson..I'm feeling quite stronger indeed. Click here to listen to it. You'll want to go kick some serious A$$ afterwards. It's that empowering. 

And while Miss Clarkson's words are pretty inspiring I shall close with a little bible verse that was given to me by my aforementioned angel friend Drea. It was carefully handwritten on the cutest little paper scroll one ever did see.

Jer 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

xoxoxo